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Stop Telling Me What to Do!

Stop Being So Judge-y

So many posts these days play on people’s fears of doing the wrong thing. Maybe we should stop worrying about what others think.

Stop Being So Judge-yIt’s been a long time since I’ve used this space to write. We visited the UK, returned, sent my daughter back to her second semester of college, and just last week brought her back home from Chicago. I enjoyed Passover with my family in Sacramento, and spent another four weeks housebound because I broke another toe on my driving foot. I’ve been working my butt off at my marketing job. And I’m dealing with the shame of gaining back all the weight I lost eight years ago — and then some.

I turned 59 last week and am starting to feel really, really OLD.

And I never had the urge to write about any of it. 

That’s not exactly true. I’ve had fleeting thoughts of “I should blog this.” But none of it stuck. And now it’s Memorial Day weekend and this is the first entry I’ve made here all year.

I hate to think that after more than a decade, I’m over blogging as a creative endeavor. I don’t think so. I think I’ve just been too busy to sit back and reflect upon my thoughts and feelings, which is what I need to be able to work up something to say.

So what made me decide to fire up the old blog again? THIS headline, which caught my eye on BlogHer:

Let’s Stop Using ‘Just’ to Justify Ourselves

The post, from a blog called Literally Darling, is a perfectly reasoned argument for ending one’s reliance on filler words, like “just” (uh, and I suppose “like,” for that matter). There’s nothing wrong with it. It makes a good point.

And it irked me…

…because it seems as if sites are increasingly publishing whiny posts designed to make the reader feel bad about something perfectly harmless:

Why You Should Never, Ever Use Two Spaces After a Period
There’s a whole lot of articles on this, and I have to say: What’s it to you? Really, what difference does it make if someone who learned to typing on an IBM Selectric doesn’t choose to change that habit after four or five decades of extra-spacing? It’s not as if we’re killing digital trees to make reams of digital paper here. Leave us poor senior citizens alone! (For the record, I figured out that I didn’t need the extra space years ago and broke the habit without being chided by the Internet punctuation police — but I wouldn’t dream of trying to force others to follow suit. It simply isn’t that important.)

Seven Obnoxious Things Women Need to Stop Doing on Facebook
There are tons of articles out there like this, trying to police our behavior on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Most of these are by people who have used social media for fewer years than I have. This post is pretty typical, and the suggestions make sense. But if I were to follow the advice of every single arbiter of what’s good and proper to post, I’d have nothing left to contribute.

The thing about social media, and Facebook in particular is it’s just like high school: You’re not going to be friends with EVERYONE, and that’s OK. (Actually, that’s more than OK, because no one can reasonably have a meaningful relationship with thousands of people at once). The only rule I want to subscribe to here is Be Yourself. The folks who love you will put up with a steady stream of photos from your vacation, political links and pictures of that new baby. The ones who don’t can unfriend you. You don’t want them in your stream, anyway. It’s a win-win.

One writer even put up an entire Stop Doing List. I’ve read it, and don’t have any argument with the content — just the tone — because really, all I want to say is:

STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO, and I promise I won’t get in your face and try to make you conform to MY ideas of proper behavior, either.

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Another Year, Another BlogHer

On Friday night at BlogHer, I found myself in deep conversation with a woman who was in the process of reinventing herself after sending the last child off to college. You know, much like I’m trying to do. She told me she had just sold her business, which consisted of a couple of hobby and crafts stores in the San Diego area.

“You look so familiar,” she said to me. “Are you a scrapbooker?”

And that’s when I had to laugh… because just that morning, I was featured in the BlogHer conference’s opening video, where it was made emphatically clear that I am not the sort of woman who keeps a scrapbook:

 (My apologies to her, and to any of my crafty friends and people who blog about crafts and scrapbooks. I do actually admire you and your creativity; I don’t simply share your abilities.)

Since 2003, this blog has been the repository of all my creative energy. There have been years when I’ve poured everything I’ve got into it, and there have been years when my bandwidth has been stretched so thin that I don’t have much left to give. That’s kind of where I am right now: This transition from being a “mommy” to whatever it is I’m becoming should be fodder for lots of emotional posts (and I might feel better if I used the blog as a kind of DIY therapy, where I could write it all out). But my kid is starting college in just a few weeks, and every hour I spend writing a personal blog post is an hour where I’m not earning the money I need to pay for said college.

So this post is going to be brief. That’s not necessarily a bad thing.

In 2005, when I attended the inaugural BlogHer conference I wrote a total of 22 posts about it.

Last year, I wrote just 2.

I don’t want anyone to think this is an indication of diminishing interest or returns from attending the BlogHer conference. While none of them has lived up to the magic of the first one, each has had its own energy and takeaways.

In 2005, just being in a room with a couple of hundred other blogging women was a revelation. Back then, I had to explain to most of my friends what a blog was (that is, if I even told them that I kept one)… and that explanation would usually morph into a conversation about why I would do something as crazy as write about my life in an online forum for the whole Internet to see.

It’s been a long time since I’ve had a conversation quite like that. These days, I don’t have to tell anyone what it means to be a blogger — although I am often asked why I continue to do it when I don’t make any money from it, or why I continue to attend the BlogHer conference (especially when there are now so many other gatherings where women can network with brands and work on monetizing their output).

I have never been to those other confabs. I’ve got nothing against them. I simply don’t have the funds to attend more than one big conference per year (and some years, I don’t even do that). I keep coming back to BlogHer because that’s the one that made me realize I could do bigger things with my little blog. There were people there in 2005 who are still in my life, and I get to see them at BlogHer.

I am one of those people who comes to BlogHer for the sessions. I hear a lot of grumbling from folks who feel the sessions aren’t advanced enough, and when I hear that, I think that I must have a blogging disability or something, because after 11 years of being a blogger, I always walk away from BlogHer with some new knowledge or insight or skill that I did not have before.

I come to BlogHer for the connections. I’m not talking about the brands on the expo floor (although I enjoy a good trade show as much as anyone and wholeheartedly participated in this year’s “selfiebration” contests to win prizes). This year, I spent a lot of time up in a suite hosted by the folks at California Women Lead, a non-partisan organization dedicated to promoting more women to serve in public office, where I met some smart, intelligent, capable women who are making things happen. I attended a reception hosted by EMILY’s List, where I met some of the women who are running for office this year in California (including Sandra Fluke, who expressed an interest in appearing on my MOMocrats podcast! Fingers crossed!)

I come to BlogHer for inspiration. The annual Voices of the Year presentation is really the heart of the BlogHer community. The essays and images chosen by the entire BlogHer community are both funny and sad (sometimes all in the same reading). The Voices of the Year touch me deeply and make me want to be a better writer (and also leave me a little bit depressed, because — so far — I’m not there yet).

In 2012, I had the privilege of actually working behind the scenes on the conference and I got to be intimately involved in the production of VOTY with Polly Pagenheart and Shannon Carroll. This is an experience I am truly grateful for, and has made the VOTY session all the more special to me.

So you would be surprised to learn that this year, I did not stay for the entire VOTY persentation. I was surprised, too — but the most important reason I come to BlogHer is for the people I never get to see anywhere but a BlogHer conference. VOTY ran late (as it usually does), I needed to be in that California Women Lead suite at 8:00 — and there was a dinner organized for some of my favorite OG blogging women, which I did not want to miss. So I chose spending some quality time with quality friends over staying for the entire VOTY presentation (and the reception that followed).

You see, BlogHer is about hard choices. At any given time during the two or three days you’re there, you are faced with a multitude of offerings SIMULTANEOUSLY. I can’t be in two or three places at once, and frankly, I’m getting too old to handle the onslaught of information and people and products and noise without a little downtime. This year, I sorely missed the “serenity lounge” where you could escape to recharge (both your devices and yourself). Or maybe I just missed where it was? This year, whenever I was faced with a hard choice between attending a session or spending some quality time with friends, I picked the friends.

One thing I did not miss at this year’s BlogHer was the huge, overwhelming, circus-like energy I felt when the conference was in New York and San Diego. Don’t get me wrong: I enjoyed those conferences — a lot. But this year, back in the Bay Area, it was s smaller, quieter, more manageable event.

I liked it a lot.

There’s a lot of speculation in the community about where the conference will be held next year – or even if it will be held at all.

I hope a location is announced soon. And if I have the money in 2015, I hope I will go.

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Ten Years

December 7, 2003 was a cold, wet, dreary day — much like this one.

I know that because while my husband and daughter were occupied with other things, I decided to follow the lead of my online friend, author Andrea Buchanan, who at that time ran a website for moms in Philadelphia. Andi was the first person I knew who had set up one of these new-fangled things called “blogs,” and because she is an exceptionally prescient and thoughtful woman, I decided I wanted to set one up, too.

So I signed up for a free Typepad account and wrote:

It’s a rare rainy day in Los Angeles, and the house is a little chilly. “I’m going to make some tea,” I announce to Gareth. “Would you like some?” Silly question. He loves a spot of tea in the afternoon, even when it’s 90 degrees out. He insists that hot tea is cooling on a hot day. I’ve never found any logic in this, and although I’ve heard the same from other transplanted Brits, I think it’s just an urban myth cooked up by an ex-pat who can’t embrace American-style tumblers of tea poured over ice. Iced tea in summer is refreshing. Hot tea is a perfect drink when it’s cold – like today.

We were planning a Christmas trip to Britain to visit my husband’s family, and I thought the blog would be a cool way to share our adventures with our family and friends here in California. I never expected to continue it once we returned home. I certainly never expected that I would still be writing it ten years later.

A lot has happened to us over those ten years. We’ve had our share of ups… and downs. (And I’m not just talking about my weight.)

We traveled a lot — until we didn’t.

We said good-bye to beloved pets — and welcomed new ones.

My daughter threw herself into a sport and so we became devoted supporters — until she decided it was time to move on, and we were forced to move on, too.

In 2003, my daughter was in the second grade. Today, she’s applying to college.

Before I started my blog, I felt isolated and alone as a stay-at-home mom up here in the north San Fernando Valley.

In 2005, I attended the first-ever BlogHer conference for women who blog and that community has grown and given me more than I can say. Now, I have hundreds of friends throughout the country (and other parts of the world). I have even met some of them in real life (too many to list in this short post).

A few months ago, I despaired over the difficulty of re-entering the workforce after taking so much time off to raise my child. Today, I have a job… a job I landed because of skills and experience I developed as a blogger.

This blog — which I began as an experiment on a whim because I didn’t have anything else to do on a rainy Sunday — has changed my life, for the better.

I can’t wait to see how it goes over the NEXT ten years.

 

 

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The Holiday is Over: Back to Blogging – Old School

Blogging It Old SchoolMy daughter’s three-week holiday break ended today with the start of school. My husband also returned to work after being on holiday hours, too. So after the shock of 6:30 AM carpool, I got the desktop computer — and the house — to myself, and had no more excuses for getting DOWN TO WORK.

Except…

…WHERE DO I BEGIN?

I have a to-do list chock full of tasks that are mostly mundane or unpleasant: housekeeping, bill paying, meal planning, organizing.

I have another list, of activities I have promised myself I am going to find time to engage in this year:

1. Read more books (I have always been a reader, but lately all I seem to be able to muster time for are newspaper and magazine articles and websites).

2. See more movies (I am determined to relaunch my old “Moms Movie Club” – even if I am the only member!)

3. Socialize more (I love seeing friends, but I’m lazy. Easier to kick back at home in the evening than get dressed and get out of the house. I need to fight this!)

4. Exercise (actually, this item is on both lists. It sounds like fun until I think about actually DOING it.)

5. Write a post for at least one of my websites EVERY SINGLE DAY. (Even if I don’t have much to say. Hence this.) And visit other blogs and comment there. You know, OLD SCHOOL.

If you could see inside my head, you’d laugh at the amount of time I spend thinking of topics to write about. I’ve got a running commentary on everything: items in the news, stuff I see on the shelves at Target, something my kid just told me, what I’m watching on television. And I cannot wait until I can work these topics into posts — especially during holidays when solitary time is scarce.

So it is ironic that once that opportunity finally arrives, my mind goes BLANK.

It has not always been this way. I have developed some bad habits over the years, abetted by the constant distraction of social media, which is supposed to be an asset. Just as I need to work out my body, I think these writing muscles have to be stretched again. Hopefully, my brain still has enough muscle memory that it won’t take too long.

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